With the upcoming screening of the two Evangelion films in theaters for the 30th anniversary of the series, I've begun reminiscing on my life as a long time fan and the profound impact its had on me.
I first saw Evangelion when I was around 7-8 years old, my stepsister wanted to see it as my dad had the DVDs, The platinum renewals, and said she was aloud to watch only a few episodes while me and my sister were around. The emotion which came through me watching the intro for the first time is still the feeling I associate with everything Eva, confusion and anxiety but also a lot of serene. I felt like something really touched me in watching those couple episodes, I felt so many conflicting wires crossed with what I saw, so many waves rippled through me to see something so different from what I'd been exposed to up until that point.
I felt so strange looking at the characters and the dissonance and comfort I had seeing it at the same time, especially Rei who's image left some kind of mark on my mind I still couldn't understand. On the back of the DVD insert, the was an image of her from the opening, nude and sitting on the ground with her legs up which really mystified me. I would try and recreate that pose in the shower at times when I was alone, there being comfort in the idea of being like her, someone who seemed to be scarred more than on the surface. Her bandaged body being rolled into the room is something I couldn't get out of my head and still gives an emotion I couldn't even begin to describe if I tried. I don't know if I saw my own weakness reflected, or my loneliness or what, she just embodied some sort of reflection of my heart.
I thought about Evangelion all the time, I could never say the name and though I asked my dad I couldn't watch more of it. I would sing the theme in gibberish japanese on the bus ride home and hope somehow I could watch the whole show again. It wasn't till 4 years or so later that I saw the opening, in a youtube video about the best show intros, that I found the name. To be honest, I watched many scenes and such from the show before I found a way to watch it, though I forgot most of them I couldn't keep myself away from it until I moved in with my grandparents and had full unrestricted Internet access to every cartoon streaming site ever.
From there it was an obsession, as I was with most things I enjoyed, dinosaurs, dragons, Digimon, Earthbound, Eva. It's a natural evolution for a young Mandy's heart. From how much I loved the series to my initial fear and resentment of End of Eva, to my absolute love for it after watching it in full, to my first extensive use of internet - groups that's a highlight there, the first time I joined the server of a specific chatting client, for the Evageeks website, something I frequently visited. I met some not so good people, in all honesty, other than my first best friend who was the whole reason I know anyone.
That's the thing, Eva gave me the best people in my life
Through connections over time, one person led to another over the years and Eva is the reason I'm in Georgia with a close friends family, getting to see my favorite movie in theaters, it all comes back around where Eva begets inspiration which begets Eva. I'm part of those who are so obtuse they make friends anyway through (at the time for my age group) niche interests and somehow still know people (who are just as weird). You just have to draw in those who are like you like a loser who feeds on it's own kind, eventually amassing a group of individuals who won't mind that you adore nonsense.
That's Evangelion. the world will die and Evangelion will still persist. Anyplace can be a nightmare if you have the will to awaken it.
Eva really did infect my mind, it had such a different impact on my life each time I watched it. When you don't have anyone around to talk to you after something terrible happens, and you are just a teenager, and you don't understand anything and no one is there who could begin to handle your emotions, you hide, you hide in Eva and let Eva push others away.
It's bittersweet, this show wasn't always a positive. Things like this can be both, I don't think it's ever black and white. I think anything that special has to be grey to really matter. I was very comforted by how bleak it was, I was comforted by how dysfunctional everyone was and how lonely it was. And honestly, even now I still am. I don't know where my heart lies or where my dream ends yet, and honestly going to see this film again, and being confronted by that, is scary. The melancholy is much more comfortable, I want it to be quiet, I don't quite understand anything besides that, and it always really scares me. It's better when it's alone, it was better when you didn't care if anyone liked you all that much, You grow up and Eva isn't there anymore and you go back and miss when it felt like this. When you couldn't wait to be alone, to not bother with other people who wouldn't get you, just pleasing them or acting how they wanted so they wouldn't compromise what you hid. Back when you had Eva instead of worrying about how you looked or how you felt, or how so much wasn't right or how you parents weren't around. It was the same in the show.
Even your fantasies are dark - that's a misquote from Alice or something.
I kept running away, a lot, though it's maybe much more complicated in my life, the means I have of taking care of myself. I think that's what I took from Eva the most
"Take care of yourself"
I want to believe that, I want to believe you can learn to love yourself, and ultimately Eva still makes me believe that
That's Evangelion, the world will die and Evangelion will be in your heart, but a world will exist without Evangelion.
Anyplace can be heaven as long as you have the will to live.
I can learn to like myself!
We are the words "I love you" and the hope that one day people will be able to understand each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment