It's been a long time since I've made any sort of purchase for the purpose of collecting, I found these at a really nice price at a thrift store, shows I've never seen but have been meaning too.
I decided, I'll share some of these thoughts. maybe a year or so old-
In the mist of being unsure
And the drive to hurt myself
I will take all that pain
all that hurt
and in it's place grow a garden
1-
After many a days thinking and mulling over pricks and pens that rend through corners of non-existent haze, i muster a voice and cantillate upon deaf plaster and drywall.
Empty Again!
i roll breast and hair like bread and stripe half crumbled thoughts in order in a line, crossing them before they finish; peaks never reached.
I shape something funny from this, a smile, maybe a giggle.
My space seems more golden.
more bell colored light catches my eye as if a New Spectrum unweaved its rays around me but its still hazy.
maybe in time this will impress me but certainly I am at a small corner of the world.
Surrounded by unstudied interests and locked in a winding box of my own design.
catenate to cardioid curvature, the dogma in the cogs of listlessness surely plays to futility until a new instrument can string a different tune.
2-
A Story of flowered speech...
Maybe things are still meaningful that way.
Beautiful already
When I looked past, I saw a star
"I'd like to bring my dream into the world"
With the upcoming screening of the two Evangelion films in theaters for the 30th anniversary of the series, I've begun reminiscing on my life as a long time fan and the profound impact its had on me.
I first saw Evangelion when I was around 7-8 years old, my stepsister wanted to see it as my dad had the DVDs, The platinum renewals, and said she was aloud to watch only a few episodes while me and my sister were around. The emotion which came through me watching the intro for the first time is still the feeling I associate with everything Eva, confusion and anxiety but also a lot of serene. I felt like something really touched me in watching those couple episodes, I felt so many conflicting wires crossed with what I saw, so many waves rippled through me to see something so different from what I'd been exposed to up until that point.
I felt so strange looking at the characters and the dissonance and comfort I had seeing it at the same time, especially Rei who's image left some kind of mark on my mind I still couldn't understand. On the back of the DVD insert, the was an image of her from the opening, nude and sitting on the ground with her legs up which really mystified me. I would try and recreate that pose in the shower at times when I was alone, there being comfort in the idea of being like her, someone who seemed to be scarred more than on the surface. Her bandaged body being rolled into the room is something I couldn't get out of my head and still gives an emotion I couldn't even begin to describe if I tried. I don't know if I saw my own weakness reflected, or my loneliness or what, she just embodied some sort of reflection of my heart.
I thought about Evangelion all the time, I could never say the name and though I asked my dad I couldn't watch more of it. I would sing the theme in gibberish japanese on the bus ride home and hope somehow I could watch the whole show again. It wasn't till 4 years or so later that I saw the opening, in a youtube video about the best show intros, that I found the name. To be honest, I watched many scenes and such from the show before I found a way to watch it, though I forgot most of them I couldn't keep myself away from it until I moved in with my grandparents and had full unrestricted Internet access to every cartoon streaming site ever.
From there it was an obsession, as I was with most things I enjoyed, dinosaurs, dragons, Digimon, Earthbound, Eva. It's a natural evolution for a young Mandy's heart. From how much I loved the series to my initial fear and resentment of End of Eva, to my absolute love for it after watching it in full, to my first extensive use of internet - groups that's a highlight there, the first time I joined the server of a specific chatting client, for the Evageeks website, something I frequently visited. I met some not so good people, in all honesty, other than my first best friend who was the whole reason I know anyone.
That's the thing, Eva gave me the best people in my life
Through connections over time, one person led to another over the years and Eva is the reason I'm in Georgia with a close friends family, getting to see my favorite movie in theaters, it all comes back around where Eva begets inspiration which begets Eva. I'm part of those who are so obtuse they make friends anyway through (at the time for my age group) niche interests and somehow still know people (who are just as weird). You just have to draw in those who are like you like a loser who feeds on it's own kind, eventually amassing a group of individuals who won't mind that you adore nonsense.
That's Evangelion. the world will die and Evangelion will still persist. Anyplace can be a nightmare if you have the will to awaken it.
Eva really did infect my mind, it had such a different impact on my life each time I watched it. When you don't have anyone around to talk to you after something terrible happens, and you are just a teenager, and you don't understand anything and no one is there who could begin to handle your emotions, you hide, you hide in Eva and let Eva push others away.
It's bittersweet, this show wasn't always a positive. Things like this can be both, I don't think it's ever black and white. I think anything that special has to be grey to really matter. I was very comforted by how bleak it was, I was comforted by how dysfunctional everyone was and how lonely it was. And honestly, even now I still am. I don't know where my heart lies or where my dream ends yet, and honestly going to see this film again, and being confronted by that, is scary. The melancholy is much more comfortable, I want it to be quiet, I don't quite understand anything besides that, and it always really scares me. It's better when it's alone, it was better when you didn't care if anyone liked you all that much, You grow up and Eva isn't there anymore and you go back and miss when it felt like this. When you couldn't wait to be alone, to not bother with other people who wouldn't get you, just pleasing them or acting how they wanted so they wouldn't compromise what you hid. Back when you had Eva instead of worrying about how you looked or how you felt, or how so much wasn't right or how you parents weren't around. It was the same in the show.
Even your fantasies are dark - that's a misquote from Alice or something.
I kept running away, a lot, though it's maybe much more complicated in my life, the means I have of taking care of myself. I think that's what I took from Eva the most
"Take care of yourself"
I want to believe that, I want to believe you can learn to love yourself, and ultimately Eva still makes me believe that
That's Evangelion, the world will die and Evangelion will be in your heart, but a world will exist without Evangelion.
Anyplace can be heaven as long as you have the will to live.
I can learn to like myself!
We are the words "I love you" and the hope that one day people will be able to understand each other.
I made it to the town my friend lives in. I'm gonna be here for the summer. So many bright things ahead. It feels good to not be alone. He brought my a waffle today. It had blueberries. This is an amazing thing.
I'll be working soon and I'll live how I never have before, its going to be a very important summer, so many good things it'll most likely change my life. His cat scratched me but that's alright.
Away from the net away from so much fear, its so important to live.
"Live" such as do things like: drink out of a mug that makes you laugh.
I really really like this mug X).
 |
| I l(berry)ve strawberries <3 |
Lots of love will take shape in me and that little hope.
When I was very young, my older step sister played a prank on me where she either used another controller, or had my other step sister with a controller move link around and tell me there was a ghost in the game. I reminisced and wondered if she knew it would spark a life long interest in scary things. When the re-deads would come on screen as she walked through castle town, I would always walk out of the room until she told me it was okay to come back, they scared me very bad but in a way which was almost fun. It took so much courage for me to play the game myself all the way through, I still get a bit nervous when I go near the royal families grave...
We played the same character but I could see that it was her link. Her link wasn't scared of anything, he didn't hide from the re-deads or think twice about falling down big scary holes with.. big scary music... hahaha. My link took a long time to ever do any of that stuff. Maybe that's why the ghost came out just for me.
I do chase that feeling a lot now, scary things fascinate me and I'll search for them endlessly in any game I play. I wonder if she ever thinks about it too, scaring her little sister and making her truly believe that video games could have ghosts in them...
That's absurd really.
right...?
To be honest, I have trouble playing that game alone. I always feel like someone is watching me, I don't feel very alone playing it!
I haven't played it alone in years, Usually someone else is there so, maybe the ghost is shy. Maybe I should try that again, going back there alone. Maybe he wants to talk again.
I wonder if it was fated, it came to me. When I see it now, where all the things suddenly have a darker shade below them, and going just a bit further beyond what you see takes you somewhere really scary and unbelievable. Suddenly I'm grown up before I had the chance to, and courage was the only way forward. A gap which is sudden and confusing and where I want to walk out of the room and hide my face, pretend I don't see the scary thing.
I know she still thinks about it.
I thought she was so cool, she didn't like it when I did. I didn't know. I'm sorry.
I know there's a ghost there, he only comes out for me.
